Rosalyn's Weekend
by R. S. Lee
Summary: As Rosalyn babysits Calvin for the weekend, our favourite six year old plots to get rid of her once and for all.
1. Freaky Friday

**_Friday morning…_**

Everybody's favorite spiky-haired six-year old kid woke up one morning to his mother's screaming.

"Calvin!" she screamed. "Get up! It's time for school!"

"So?" Calvin replied groggily. "It's a free country. I'm doing what I want to!"

"Get out of bed. Or the TV goes bye-bye" she roared.

"Communist!" Calvin muttered to his tiger companion, Hobbes, whom everyone else thought wasn't really alive.

"What'd you say?" Hobbes asked.

* * *

**_Soon…_**

Calvin waited at a bus spot. Nobody seemed to be aware of the thoughts passing through his head.

"_Spaceman Spiff is being transported to a Zog Slave Gallery._

_"He plans his daring escape from the Slave Carrier Pick-up._

_"He dashes away at an incredible speed to the cheering of his fellow slaves."_

"What the heck is Calvin doing?" Susie Derkins asked herself as Calvin ran from the bus stop.

* * *

**_So…_**

"Hey Hobbes!" Calvin said.

"Aren't you supposed to be going to school?" Hobbes asked sleepily.

"I'm not going anymore."Calvin said. "I'm going to be a Wild Man in the Amazon when I grow up! Why should I go to school?"

"You do know that your Mom's going to kill you for skipping school?" Hobbes said.

"Yeah." Calvin said.

"And will do it again when she finds out about your planned "Wild Man in the Amazon Career"?" Hobbes added.

* * *

_**Soon…**_

"This is dull!" Hobbes complained as he and Calvin hid under the bed.

"Do you want Mom to find out that I'm skipping school?" Calvin snapped.

Hobbes stared. "Won't the school call your parents?"

"I've factored the possibility. But I've still taken the right precautions."

_**

* * *

**_

_**As he speaks…**_

Mr. Spittle went through the mail on his desks. He found something entitled "To Mr. Mi-Prinsipl-Persin". Curious, he opened the letter.

_Dear Mr. Mi-Prinsipl-Persin,_

_Clvin wil not be at scull toda becuz he is sik. Du not cal me or I will hert you._

_Frum Clvins Mum_

Mr. Spittle stared. Calvin was obviously trying to skip school. He grabbed the phone. It was disconnected.

He sighed. Obviously, Calvin had been planning ahead this time. He grabbed his computer opened the e-mail, and found that the keyboard was missing.

"Man, that kid is persistent." He said aloud as he grabbed his coat and prepared to leave when he felt something in his pocket. He pulled it out. It was a grenade.

"Freeze." He heard someone shout. "This is the police. We have you surrounded. You are under arrest for procession of illegal weaponry."

"How in god's name did Calvin manage this?" He asked aloud.

* * *

**_Later…_**

"Okay Hobbes." Calvin said as he looked at his watch. "In about ten minutes I should be getting home from school!"

"Great!" Hobbes said. "I'm scared that your mom will find us."

"Nah!" Calvin said. "She left hours ago…"

"Then why are we hiding in your room?"

"Calvin?" a teenage female shouted. "Is that you?"

"Oh my gosh!" Calvin sobbed. "It's Rosalyn!"

"Run!" Hobbes screamed. "Save yourself!"

_**

* * *

Quickly…**_

"Comeback here Calvin." Rosalyn yelled. "Why'd you skip school?"

_"Spaceman Spiff speeds away from the Zog overlord intending to interrogate the hero. _

_"In a surprise maneuver, Spaceman Spiff turns to face his enemy."_

"Calvin," she said. "Put down the gardening hose."

_"Spaceman Spiff fires his weapon only to discover the Zog's powerful invulnerability._

_"He rotates and speeds away."_

"Yeah, you better run," a soaking wet Rosalyn screeched.

**_

* * *

Eventually…_**

"I got you!" Rosalyn said as she grabbed Calvin by the collarbone.

"You evil, deceptive witch of a babysitter!" Calvin cried. "You may have done my parents in, but I will not go easy!"

"Calvin!" Rosalyn said. "Your parents are on their second honeymoon. They said they told you."

"You lie!" Calvin screamed. "You just added their heads to your collection of beheaded babysat cliental. And you probably took their wallets too."

"Calvin, I need to ask!" Rosalyn said. "Why do you have such a weird opinion of me?"

* * *

**_Calvin's Bedtime…_**

"Hobbes," Calvin said. "I stand to make this the worst weekend of that woman's life!"

"How so?" Hobbes asked.

"I'm going to deploy the evilest, lowest plot ever conceived by a child," Calvin said. "Get ready for Operation Triple X!"

"I don't think that'll work," Hobbes said. "We are at a lack for Stampeding Elephants. And that crazed old bum will be hard to get."

"I framed my principal Anything is possible!"

* * *

**_Meanwhile…_**

"And later on the news, local elementary school principal was arrested for illegal weapon possession. During the interrogation, he was quoted for saying, "That six-year old brat is going to pay for this…" More on today's top story after these messages."

Rosalyn sighed. She could easily guess the name of the six-year old brat. But, how did Calvin manage that?

She picked up the phone and dialed Calvin's parents

"Hello sir," Rosalyn said to the phone.

"Hi Rosalyn," Calvin's dad said. "How's Calvin?"

"Well," Rosalyn said thoughtfully. "First I found him skipping school. Then I had to chase him for over two hours, during that time, he sprayed me with the gardening hose. And now I'm pretty sure he's planning something! Oh yeah, and he got his principal arrested somehow."

"Mr. Spittle was arrested?" Calvin's dad asked.

"Illegal weapon possesion."

"Yikes! That's a first!" Calvin's dad gasped.


	2. Sadistic Saturday

**_One Saturday Morning…_**

"Calvin!" a teenage girl cried. "It's time for breakfast!"

"Come here! I don't feel good!" the six year old answered in a sickly voice to his babysitter. "Please Rosalyn!"

"Fine!" Rosalyn replied.

"Psst! She's coming." Calvin told his tiger, Hobbes. Calvin sounded a lot less sick right then.

"I'll trade you!" Hobbes whispered. "My baseball bat for your golf club."

* * *

**_After a little bit of assault…_**

_"Spaceman Spiffs defense against the Zog Princess is going well._

_"His ally fights nearly as courageous as him._

_"Oh no! The Zog Princess starts a mad rampage. _

"_She runs past the ally, making Spiff realize that she is only after him! Could this be the end of our hero?"_

"Come back here you little brat!" Rosalyn screamed in pursuit of an escaping Calvin.

**_

* * *

After a long chase throughout the house…_**

_"Man, this seems bad to most people. But I ain't most people. The dame may have me where she wants me. But I don't plan to crack. She needs to learn that no one messes with Tracer Bullet. She will learn"_

"Calvin," Rosalyn asked as she sat him down in the kitchen. "Why'd you attack me with your dad's golf club?"

_"I chuckle to himself. My fellow investigator escaped her. That's all that mattered. Suavely, I lay the ground works."_

"You can torture me all you want, but tell your superiors at the mafia or yakuza or whoever, that not even burning oil will get information from me!"

"We'll see about that!" Rosalyn said in an attempt to play along. "Minions! Get the oil!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Calvin screamed in fear.

"I see that parental humor doesn't work on you!" Rosalyn said amongst the screaming.

**_

* * *

After about fifteen minutes…_**

"So it turned out she was kidding and I was heavily punished for assaulting her!" Calvin told Hobbes as he crawled under his bed.

"So, why are you here?" Hobbes asked.

"To take down my Calvin dummy to the garage!" Calvin said as he crawled out, now dragging a life-like Calvin dummy. "With any luck, Rosalyn won't notice it's not me.

"I don't think she's that…" Hobbes started before realizing something he had to ask. "Where on Earth did you get an identical Calvin dummy?"

**_

* * *

After dragging a strange dummy past a so-called evil babysitter..._**

"Now what?" Hobbes asked as they exited the garage.

"I have a plan!" Calvin said as he pulled a red hood and cape out of his pants pocket. "Rosalyn has proved that she is a match for both Tracer Bullet and Spaceman Spiff. But can she match wits against the legendary protector of the innocents, Stupendous man!"

"If you don't return, I'll assume she killed you out of anger." Hobbes said as he went to hide in Calvin's room.

_**

* * *

Shortly…**_

"_Stupendous man sneaks across the house at stupendous speed._

"_While sneaking, he found the evil Babysitter Girl, his most deadly enemy."_

"Bye, Charlie." Rosalyn told her boyfriend over the phone. "I think I just heard something."

Rosalyn walked to the corridor only for Calvin to spurt right past her.

"The evil Babysitter Girl is no match for the mighty Stupendous Man!" Calvin deemed as he entered the door into the garage.

"The superhero outfit again?" Rosalyn said.

Five seconds later, Calvin ran back into the room, now holding his Calvin dummy.

"Calvin is saved!" Calvin yelled. "S for… Stupendous, T for… Tiger, the ferocity of, U for… Underwear, red, P for…Power Incredible , E for… Excellent physique, N for… something I still haven't decided on , D for… uh… man this "

"D for Dead if you don't get back into the garage!" Rosalyn screamed.

"Hey, that works!" Calvin said as he hid in the garage.

* * *

**_Calvin's bedtime…_**

"And when she let me out," Calvin told Hobbes. "I got in even worse trouble."

"What'd you do?" Hobbes asked.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Calvin said.

"Did it have anything to do with all those sirens I heard a few hours ago?" Hobbes asked

"I said I don't want to talk about it!" Calvin snapped. "Man, alchol makes a mess when it explodes!"

"Ouch!"

Calvin paused. "I think it's time for operation Triple X!"

Hobbes froze. "But…"

"No buts. Tomorrow Rosalyn will pay for the way she treats me. Tomorrow, we are her superiors. Tomorrow, we will rock her!"

"What if we kill her?" Hobbes asked. "Phase 42, involves a case of TNT exploding under the stairs."

"Only to keep her trapped upstairs with the Crazy Old bum from Phase 37." Calvin snapped.

* * *

**_Meanwhile…_**

"Hi Rosalyn!" Calvin's dad said over the phone from his hotel room. "How's Calvin? …My clubs… But you caught him right? …A Calvin dummy… Not the superhero shtick! … HE DID WHAT! …Good Grief! Goodbye!" He hung up the phone "Honey. You won't believe what your kid did!"

"My kid?" Calvin's mom screamed. "Let me explain something to you!"


	3. Super Strange Sunday

**_3 a.m. One Sunday morning also known as Phase 1…_**

A teenager named Rosalyn stirred in a bed as the lights turned on.

"Calvin, is that you?" she asked the six year old she was babysitting.

Calvin walked in holding a baseball bat. Snoring loudly, he ran in and started hitting Rosalyn senselessly.

After a few moments of pain, Rosalyn grabbed the bat, hurled it to the side, and grabbed the still snoring Calvin by the collar.

"How can that little creep assault me when he's asleep?" she asked aloud.

"_By pretending to be asleep! Phase one, complete." _Calvin thought as he was carried to his bed

* * *

**_A couple hours later…_**

"Okay Hobbes!" Calvin debriefed. "We have until 3 pm until Rosalyn leaves. Meaning we have ten hours to run Operation Triple X!"

"Wow!" Hobbes whistled. "Operation Triple X in only ten hours? But we can't do it. We need…"

"Whatever it is," Calvin boasted. "I'll find it! Now, she's asleep now, so we can…"

"You know where to find an army of elephants and a crazy old bum?" Hobbes questioned.

"So we slightly alter phases 3 and 34!" Calvin snapped. "So what?"

* * *

_**After a few hours of senseless toil...**  
_

"All the traps are set!" Calvin said. "Now go upstairs and await the signal."

"Got it." Hobbes said as he held up a walky-talky. "Just give me orders over the walky-talky."

"Great." Calvin said before sending something by walky-talky. "Now! I've added a final phase! Basically, you do my homework, buy me candy, and act as a slave for the rest of your life. Now get at it!"

Calvin didn't even have time to scream before our favorite tiger pounded him.

"If you want, we can skip a phase!" Calvin sobbed

**_After a fight between a possibly imaginary stuffed tiger and a hyperactive six year old and the setting of hundreds of booby-traps…_**

"I'm in position! We're ready start phase 2!" Hobbes said over the walky-talky.

Calvin dialed the phone. "Help! Dogs are taking over the world from a secret lab hidden in my backyard!"

Calvin hung up. "Hobbes, put the baseball bat in Mom and Dad's room, then head to the window and await the signal."

"_I wonder if the CIA's hiring six year olds!" _he thought.

**_

* * *

Phase 2…_**

"There it is!" Hobbes told Calvin as the signal appeared.

"Good. Head for the bathroom."

Calvin snuck slowly into the room with a roll of duct tape. He ripped of a piece and put it in her hair. Calvin softly patted it to her head and then ripped it loudly.

Rosalyn woke up screaming. She saw the tape holding her hair. "You are done for!"

"_She took the bait!" _Calvin thought as he ran out the room, down the stairs, and into the kitchen.

The door rang. Rosalyn stopped to answer the door. Little did she know, Calvin had booby-trapped the door, as it opened, a bucket of sour milk fell on Rosalyn's head.

"Hello, I'm officer Mowat!" A cop said as the door opened. "We were called about a possible… Why are you wearing a bucket?"

"Why are you here?" Rosalyn said as she took off the bucket

"We got a very weird call…" Mowat started before Calvin ran by and hit Rosalyn with a water balloon filled with flour.

"Direct hit!"

Rosalyn shrieked as Calvin ran upstairs into the bathroom.

"Say," Mowat said as he left. "Isn't that the noodle incident kid?"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M INNOCENT, I'M INNOCENT I TELL YA!" Calvin called back before entering.

* * *

_**Phase 3…**_

"Hobbes!" Calvin said as he slid around on the floor. "Get ready for phase 3

"How'd you replace the elephant army that was going to trample her on the stairs." Hobbes asked curiously.

"I'll show you!" Calvin said. He opened the shower curtain to reveal an army of water balloons in the bathtub. "Head to the bedroom closet and get the bait for Phase 4."

"Roger that!" Hobbes confirmed

Calvin and Hobbes burst through the door, Calvin clutching a few balloons.

As Hobbes ran, Calvin bombarded Rosalyn with each while she ascended the stairs, and then went back in the bathroom. He'd greased the floor with oily substances. Calvin slid to the side opposite the bathtub, as Rosalyn came in, slipping and sliding. Calvin tackled the unbalanced teen into the bathtub.

"Kid, has anyone ever told you that you have a death wish?" Rosalyn sputtered.

"Yes!" Calvin said as he ran away. "Hobbes, you, Mom, Dad, Susie Derkins, Moe the class bully, my teacher Ms. Wormwood, Ronald, Candace, Thomas … Mr. Spittle probably will when the cops let him out… That reminds me… the cops said it once or twice …"

* * *

**_Phase 4…_**

Calvin ran into his room and grabbed a rope connect to a bucket filled with "special water balloons" that was above the door. He walked in front of the door to see a steaming mad teenager.

"Calvin, what is with the rope?" She asked.

Calvin chuckled. "Come here and see, if you dare."

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" Rosalyn stated.

"Very well!" Calvin laughed. "Now Hobbes, the bait!"

Rosalyn heard a match strike. Suddenly, she turned to find a stuffed animal next to a gigantic and lit firework covered with whipped cream

The firework started as Calvin pulled the rope and looked for cover. As the firework struck Rosalyn and knocked her into the falling waterballoons, which had been filled with honey. She screamed as the firecracker exploded on her and splattered her with cream, causing her to stumble out of the house and into a tree.

Calvin laughed and walked to the window. There was a bed sheet rope hanging loose. Calvin took it and strolled to the bed, where he wrapped it around the bedpost and to a remaining water balloon.

"Hobbes, help me with this." Calvin said, as he tied the rope to the doorknob also.

Hobbes complied. "This'll hurt."

**_

* * *

Phase 5…_**

Rosalyn slowly got out of the tree. That kid had gone too far this time. She walked out to the window and saw a rope made up of Bed sheets. Rosalyn took the rope and pulled as hard as she could. It was secure.

She leaped up and began scaling the wall. It was hard work. But the door was probably booby-trapped again. About a meter away, she saw Calvin's stuffed tiger looking at her.

"Now! Hobbes! Now!" Calvin roared as he ran to the window with the honey-filled balloons that hadn't popped. Rosalyn screamed as she fell to the ground.

Slowly, Rosalyn stood up. She quickly sprinted into the house, narrowly avoiding a field of stink bombs. She entered the house and watched Calvin run for his parent's room.

"Fifty bucks plus bonus. Fifty bucks plus bonus." Rosalyn repeated in order to keep from going insane.

* * *

_**Phase 6…**_

"Calvin, are you nuts? You almost got her killed!" Hobbes said.

"She'll be okay!" Calvin said simply. "Head downstairs."

Hobbes almost argued, but refrained. As Hobbes ran downstairs, Calvin ran into his parent's room. On the bed were paint-filled balloons and the bat. Calvin grabbed the bat and as Rosalyn entered, he threw a balloon in the air and swung.

_"Bad idea!" _Calvin thought as he missed the paint balloon and it splashed all over him and the bed.

Seeing her chance, Rosalyn tackled Calvin to the ground.

"Hobbes! I've been captured!" Calvin said through the walky-talky. "Evacuate all phases."

Rosalyn began to carry Calvin out of the room. Calvin sank his fingernails into the carpet and struggled to escape whatever fate Rosalyn had planned.

"It was Hobbes idea!" Calvin screamed as he realized that he would fail. "I swear!"

**_

* * *

As Calvin's parents returned…_**

"Hi Rosalyn." Calvin's mom said as she entered to find a bruised, food-covered, balding, and mad Rosalyn.

Rosalyn stared at her murderously.

"Here's the fifty bucks we owe you!" Calvin's dad said desperately.

Rosalyn continued to stare.

"Give her extra!" Calvin's mom whispered.

"And…" Calvin's dad said as he emptied his wallet. "$39.43 extra!"

Rosalyn continued staring.

"What more do you want from me?" Calvin dad screamed exhausted.

"Write this down!" Rosalyn stated.

Calvin's mom took a quick look around. "Where is Calvin anyway?"

"I tied him up safely in the closet" Rosalyn growled. "Now pay me, and I'll go get the key to get in."

"Isn't that a bit drastic?" Calvin's dad asked.

Rosalyn pointed to a pile of dismantled booby-traps the size of her. "Pay me!"

* * *

**_Calvin's bedtime…_**

"Hobbes!" Calvin said as he changed into his pajamas. "My parents sure were mad!"

"Yes!" Hobbes grunted.

"I can't believe she tied us up though!" Calvin continued. "I think that may count as child abuse!"

"Well, I think they decided that if your parents don't sue her, she won't sue them!" Hobbes grunted.

"What's eating you? Calvin asked.

"You always pin me for your crimes!"

"Well, they never buy it!"

* * *

The end 


End file.
